Withdraws.

This whole blizzard thing has managed to mess up my prescriptions. My Anti-depressants to be exact. I thought I had enough but I was wrong and now I am out. The roads are too bad to get to the drug store right now so I’m running on fumes. I figured it would be fine.
“What do these do anyway?”
They do a lot.
Spiraling depression holy cow. Looking in the mirror all I see is disappointment.
Acne.
Uneven skin tones.
I feel so lonely.
The shows I watch have upset me.
My teeth hurt.
I don’t understand why my life has turned into this. One horror after another.

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Headaches.

Woke up with a screaming one. 9am and I wondered if someone had hit me with a bat during my slumber. 9am and I wondered if I pretended I was in a coma my mom would cancel home schooling. She didn’t as I stubbled down the steps to look at a computer screen I could hardly focus on. I’m suppose to help my little sister learn what she is seeing. To pay attention when I am falling asleep sitting up. I hear another sigh before she starts yelling. My sister doesn’t know how to write out division but I’m not her teacher I hardly passed in my own math classes. My fault she says. It always it. I can’t wake up fast enough, I can’t focus, I can’t teach, I can’t I can’t I can’t. Have you ever just wanted to run away? Get what money you could and pack.

Confusion abound.

Going to the store is always a difficult task for anyone but today I had a rough time. I just felt like a zombie shuffling through the islands looking for something special. My mom pushing the cart like she is in the Indie 500 my brother bouncing behind her. My little sister though she holds my hand sometimes directing me from walking into that chip stand. Today for sure I was a zombie. I walked up to the cart talking about garlic power until my little sister tugs my hand with an ummm. Looking up I see a confused women. Not my mother. I look at her looking at me for a full minute before I say I’m so sorry and shuffle away.

Ugh.

I got lost in Sams Club once! I see something and tunnel vision occurs I just get so interested in that garlic powered I get left behind. Does this happen to anyone else?

Independence?

I still live at home. It’s one of the things I was denied when diagnosed, I had all my items in boxes when my doctors told me I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself. I took the blow hard. Personally. I want to live on my own but with no income and not being able to go through a day without passing out on the couch makes me worry. I don’t feel comfortable driving anymore the way my hands shake on the wheel Im scared my brain processes too slowly to drive. That limits me in my extremely small town to online dating occasionally and they always want to meet and it scares me off I’m not going to lie. I lose interest in these apps that promise love and I hardly go out so I figure it will happen later in life right? My mom has a bad back so she has chronic pain. The comparisons she makes breaks my heart because I am never as sick. When I tell her how I feel she rolls her eyes and tell me how she feels “which is worse” I just don’t know.

DWD – Dating While Disabled

This is so helpful to me. ♡

Lost on a Horse

Are you the kind of person who just meets people anywhere you go? The supermarket, dog park, pharmacy? Or are you the bar-going type? Online dater? Doesn’t matter does it? Because all those conversations start off pretty much the same way. Hey, how are you; what’s your name; what do you do? Ahh…and it was going so well. Oh I’m actually on disabil….see ya! We’ve all been there. We’ve all had those thoughts. The “who is ever going to want to be with me? Who would ever put up with this insanity? Why would anyone choose to be with someone in my condition?” thoughts. Many won’t. Some will, but for the wrong reasons. Because they have a need to fill and taking care of you does that. Trying to “fix” you does that. But here’s the thing…there are people out there who don’t care what you do. They don’t care…

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Liebster Award!

I was nominated by Sexyachymoody for the Liebster Award. This means so much to me because I usually feel like no one would want to read what I write. I couldn’t even explain how happy this simple act made me it made my entire day! This site has been a great place to write my experiences and read about others who are in the same boat. Before here I was suffering from that loneliness not knowing what I was going through was normal and not having anyone to talk to. Thank you to everyone that helps me and keeps me going by just being yourselves!

Official Rules

If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award AND YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you:

1. Thank the person that nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. Display the award on your blog.

3. Answer the eleven questions about yourself provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. Provide eleven random facts about yourself.

5. Nominate five to eleven blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 200 followers.

6. Create a new list of questions for the bloggers to answer.

7. List these rules in your post.

8. Inform the bloggers that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post.

Ok now for her lovely questions!

1. Do you have any pets?
Yes. I love animals haha! In my room my two dogs sleep. Their names are Keko and Chiyo a Black Lab and Beagle. In the house we have four cats, two turtles, and one fishy.

2. How many siblings do you have?
I have two siblings both years younger. A little brother and sister. The best thing is my little sister born 11 years after me was born on my birthday 3 hours later.

3. What’s your favorite scary movie?
This is a hard one my favorite type of movies is horror. My favorite would have to be House on Haunted Hill though there is something about old hospitals and bad doctors that will always be special to me.

4. Favorite Book?
My favorite book would have to be “The Masque of Red Death” by Edgar Allen Poe because I love everything Poe has written. I am a mystery fan to the end and this story is just great!

5. If you could retire now, money is no object, where would you go?
I would go to a small village in the UK. There is nothing more peaceful sounding than rolling hills and cobblestone roads. All the stores just a walk away and no cars. That is my dream place haha!

6. What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?
The first thing I would do is get dental implants. I wasn’t graced with healthy teeth and I don’t have confidence in my smile because of it but I would do anything to get new teeth haha!

7. What is the most daring thing you have ever done?
The most darling thing I have ever done was drive off the diving board when I didn’t know how to swim. I nearly drowned that day.

8. When was the last time you stayed up all night?
Oh lord years ago. I take meds that knock me out around 2 every night xD.

9. Did you ever skip school? Caught?
I was sick all through high school and my mom let me skip a lot so I was never caught cause it was allowed.

10. What inspired you to start your blog?
When I started this blog I needed a place to write what was happening but in a way for other people and me to see I wasn’t alone. I have a journal but I needed to meet all of you guys to feel better. 🙂

11. How many posts have you written?
I had to count and Im pretty sure I am up to 16 posts which is amazing to me. I have such a problem with motivation and Im going to keep sticking with this!

My 11 random facts xD:

1. I am a red head with hazel eyes.
2. I help tutor my 4th grade sister.
3. I sleep on a futon.
4. I have two heating blankets on my bed.
5. I love high heels.
6. I went to bakery classes in HS.
7. I have more clothes than room.
8. I can only sleep on my back.
9. I take naps almost every day.
10. I love soft serve ice-cream.
11. I love Japanese things xD.

The people I nominate are:
Fibromyalgia This: Diary of a Pain Warrior
Unravelling the Knots
Confessions of a Fibro Mama
I Am Not Fibromyalgia

I picked these blogs because they are wonderful people. The posts and advice they give help me and I hope they help others because they are super strong! Blogs like these have helped me so much since I started this app and they still continue to help me.

My 11 questions for you guys are…

1. Do you have heating blankets?

2. How do you wear your hair to bed?

3. What would your dream car be?

4. What’s your favorite cereal?

5. Who is your favorite celebrity?

6. What’s better letters or emails?

7. What’s your favorite TV show?

8. Do you write in the morning or the evening?

9. Do you like tea or coffee?

10. What’s your favorite holiday?

11. Do you know any spoonies in real life?

ok ok I read over and it all seems right. XD Hurray!

Film school?

I have been thinking lately about my life. I’m only 21 and I still have some time before turing 22 but I have this voice in my head. I’m afraid I’m getting to old that I’m going to miss my chance. My health is still on the rocks but maybe I could find a college that is online. I just need validation that Im not going to be stuck living with my mom for another 5 years. I don’t want that life. I had so much expectation before I got sick and now looking up from the bottom all I want is to feel like I mean something. So yesterday I came across jobs in the entertainment industry and I thought maybe that was something I could do. Then I started looking into colleges. There are a few offering screenwriting courses but the ones I would like to take I would have to go to in person. This discourages me I don’t know if I could go to college when I can’t even make money with a job.

Better or Not?

For two days now I have not napped during the day. Nothing has changed I still get about 8 hours of sleep and wake up at 9 AM. This is such a big deal though because this is the first time in months I have been able to stay up an entire weekday for two days straight. Granted later that day adding to the next my exhaustion is growing. I’m going to see how I feel tomorrow but even if I need that nap I know that I can make it two days without one and that’s a great success in my book.

Are you hindering your own recovery?

lemonade is too sweet

This is my bold promise for 2015: I will do everything in my power to recover from Fibromyalgia. I am under no illusions that it might not happen but I know that it is possible and if I don’t try it will go down as a huge regret later in my life.

Treading the path to recovery isn’t easy. It isn’t linear or smooth and because of this there are some thoughts and frustrations that can crop up and become road blocks in their own right.

  • Only focusing on what you haven’t achieved

I’ve been told twice lately how much better I seem from a month ago (this is following starting my no-sugar diet). Thinking objectively they are right – my pain is much less. However, at the time I hadn’t thought of this. All I had been noticing was the digestive trouble and disturbed sleep cycles that are still issues…

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